Conversion.

Tonight, I drove a few blocks over and after a brief, friendly chat with the graduate student, I bought the small, lovely, wooden table. Craigslist. $10.00. Done.

I put the table in my room to serve as a meditation table. On it, I put a small red candle and two beautiful strings of wooden prayer beads I made over the weekend. The final touch was a series of small wooden blocks each with a letter. The blocks, a bright mix-mash of letters, represent the idea that I don't have to say anything I need to God in a coherent fashion, even if it is an incoherent jumble, he/she will understand my needs.

The meditation table is the culmination of several weeks of one-on-one meetings with my wonderful yoga instructor. The individual sessions have been powerful. I have been able to grapple not only with all of the irrational questions that have been swirling around me (Did I cause this? Is this somehow my fault? Am I being punished?), but also the pressures I feel (to be positive, to stay open to the future, etc.).

The prayer beads and the meditation table are ways for me to respond to these questions and pressures by developing a daily practice. I want to have a daily practice that will keep my grounded even as I am petrified, sad, or, heaven forbid, going through the worst. The future possibilities loom large, so I am finding it impossible to "just stay open" or "let go and let god (he will provide)" or to believe that "god doesn't give you more than you can handle". I need something I can count on "even if...(fill in-the-blank of hard things)".

I have a profound desire to be comforted and a deep yearning to rest. The kind of deep, spacious, satisfying rest that comes from my best naps. So, together, we tried on phrases that I could use to convey the sense of the divine as ever-present. The practice is in times of fear, or sadness, or even in good times, to work my way bead by bead as I repeat the mantra. Each tradition is different--some might repeat "Om" or part of a bible passage. With her help, I made up my own mantra.

I like the tangible feel of the beads underneath my fingertips and in addition to the prayer bead strings, I made a beaded bracelet to wear on a daily basis. The dark brown, tan, and blond wooden beads hug my hand most satisfyingly.

I feel so grateful to have these sessions with her. Each time, I leave fully grounded because the knowing that I reach in each session comes from deep within and from all of me--body, mind, and spirit.

For me, the MS diagnosis, especially at the heels of several years of incredible and multiple heartbreak, has shaken me spiritually to the core. The practice guides me to a way to reconnect and to feel safe, protected, nurtured, and loved again.