Sanctuary

In our session few weeks ago, when my therapist pushed me to identify how I was feeling about the implications of a potential diagnosis, I  bristled. That's how I first became aware of how angry I was to be facing this potential diagnosis. 

This potential diagnosis has triggered a spiritual crisis for me. Yet, in the process, I realized that who I most want to share my anger, confusion, and grief with is God herself. Although I long struggled not to feel that anger is sinful, or that expressing my anger to God is blasphemy, I am taking the risk now to bring my whole, imperfect, emotional self to God himself because: 

In the face of this crisis, I need sanctuary. 

In the face of this crisis, I need to be comforted. 

In the face of this crisis, I need to be held. 

In the face of this crisis, I need to express all of my anger. 

In the face of this crisis, I need sanctuary. 

I have begun to think about both the traditional and non-traditional ways I might find the sanctuary I am seeking. I found a prayer meeting at the local LGBT friendly St. Andrews Episcopal Church that meets daily. I have downloaded the directions and bought the yarn for a prayer shawl, one for myself. I plan to take regular walks--seeing the splendor of unruly wild grapevines and the prickly tangles of raspberry bushes, and the vast green tree-line are also a sanctuary for me. 

In addition to these more grand sanctuaries, I have also begun to think about smaller, more subtle ways to encourage myself to find sanctuary--peace, serenity, quietude by: establishing wellness routines (flossing, going to bed at a decent hour, eating breakfast); spending a few minutes each day being quiet; purposefully unplugging from my computer and phone...

Yet, I don't want to forget that a genuine sanctuary makes room for all of me and therefore I need to find meaningful ways to express my anger. Just the idea of letting my anger show is unnerving. But, I know, I need to find visible and visceral ways for show my anger--to be truly vulnerable in the face of this turbulence. Even thought it might be challenging and certainly unfamiliar, I believe it is important and necessary.