Truly Blessed

I had a great weekend--not to sound too grand, but the kind of weekend that reminds me of all the aspects of my life that I cherish. I spent Saturday, Saturdaying--a satisfying mix of cleaning my house, wandering through the local hardware store selecting herb plants--cilantro, basil, and oregano, and then that night going with friends to see the cutest, most charming lesbian singer-songwriter at a local venue. I hadn't been totally sure of her music when I listened to her on-line, but--oh! her voice!--strong and smooth. The stories she told in between songs, her dimples, her intense gaze as she caught my eye (and that of other audience members) and her wonderful guffawing laugh that filled the small venue. And, then, there was the audience itself--full of lesbians--many couples. Short hair and earrings and masculine femininity. And, I had that moment where I looonged and yearned to be apart of that kind of space again--both the space, where a woman puts her arm around me or her hand on my thigh in a public place--and the space of being part of a larger lesbian community. 

As a perfect capstone for the weekend, I had a really lovely early Sunday morning bike ride. A friend and I met for breakfast and then loaded up our bikes onto my trunk rack and drove out to bike and explore the new bike path I discovered last week. It was a shivery cold morning and a watery sun hung over the horizon. We road along side the sputtering creek and noted not only the leftover dried berries on the leaves, but also the first signs of spring--delicate new, green growth. Over a several mile ride through partial farm country--we also saw sheep, cows and several baby calves, several geese flying low, a robin hopping along the grass. However, more than even the sights of the ride, I was touched by the spirit of the ride.   

I am out of shape and very much a beginner and my friend is a seasoned athlete. So, when we got to the sloping, long and slow upgrade of the hills, I got off to walk and suggested she go ahead up the hill with out me. I felt shy and embarrassed by my need to walk, but I knew it was so early in the season and I had just started riding again, so it was best not to push it. She declined my offer and instead, dismounted to walk with me. We walked. Then, we mounted and road on a flat part of the trail. We rode. Then we dismounted and walked a hill. Then, we rode again. And dismounted again at the next hill. Up and up we snaked. At the top, the very top of several ascents, we stopped and got ready to return. We pushed off and sped down those hills with a blissful--wheeeeeeeeeeee--thrilled to be racing down hill at full speed--we both love a good descent. 

I was so touched by my friend's patient, generous spirit toward me. She made it easy for me to lose my self-consciousness and to have confidence that I will be able to complete the 25 mile ride that we're embarking on together in October. As she reminded me later, "We're a team". 

This ride served as a perfect metaphor for what I am looking for in my relationships, I want someone who is willing to stay present and to walk with me, even on the hard, slow, uphill parts. I am not ready yet to embark on a serious romantic relationship, but when I am, I am grateful to have a reminder of what a genuine partnership feels like:

Sweet, sweet bliss. 

Rob Breezny's Scorpio Horoscope for Week of March 12th. "'Here's what I'm looking for,' said a personal classified I read online. 'Someone who can tear me away from living inside my head . . . who sees things in me that I don't see myself.' That's exactly what I want for you right now, Scorpio. Whether this someone shows up in the form of an ally or enemy or beloved animal or invisible friend, I don't care. The important thing is that he or she awakens you to certain mysteries about you that you've been blind to, and helps free you from the unconscious delusion that all of reality is contained inside the boundaries of your skull."

Hee. Hee. As usual, Breezny hits the nail on the head. 

In an effort, to get outside the "boundaries of my skull," I decided a few months ago to enter the MS City to Shore Bike Ride in New Jersey this upcoming October. Winter has dragged on, but now spring is here and it is time for me to begin training. 

I am currently in the market for a bike rack and for a bike computer to track my miles. I have begun to identify training routes. I am fortunate to live in a gorgeously scenic area and I am really looking forward to feeling the freedom riding my bike brings me. 

I have a terrific bike that I love. I am scheduling a tune-up to get her ride-ready. Still, I am out of shape, so I will start s-l-o-w-l-y. Rather than make grand goals or chart out the exact training course, I have decided to give myself a few weeks to a month, just to ride and enjoy it and see where I am at in terms of the number of miles I can easily do. I will build from there. 

And, if an ally or friend, or better yet, gasp, a girlfriend, comes along to help me awaken to certain mysteries about myself that I have been blind to, well I will welcome the revelations. 

Coming to Grips (Again)

A friend of mine who has a chronic illness and I have recently begun to meet every two weeks to discuss our experiences with our new diagnoses. Each time, we choose a topic to focus on for our meeting. During our first meeting, two weeks ago, we discussed managing daily tasks (chores, school work, jobs) with limited energy and/or during flare ups. During this upcoming meeting, we will discuss creating and sustaining a support system. While this topic is broad, we plan to discuss how to talk about our chronic illness with friends and families, how to set limits and boundaries, how to maintain friendships, and how to build support with professionals and support organizations. As I begun to prepare for our our topic, I began to think about how the most crucial step, the foundation of all of our topics, in fact, is honesty with myself. How can I clearly communicate with anyone what my needs are or be proactive in building my support system if I myself am not clear with myself where I am at. 

For me, I have felt more fragile lately. It doesn't take much these days for me to feel hurt, sad, or overwhelmed, or thrown off balance. I have also been feeling very irritable. Whereas normally I pride myself on being available and being an empathetic listener, lately my ability to be available is very limited. I feel profoundly depleted. At the same time, these states wax and wane--always present to a degree, but sometimes much more intense than others. What has been challenging is staying in touch with how I am feeling and communicating it when it is so in flux.

In addition, I have noticed how much pressure I feel from myself right now. After all, I am not actually ill, I tell myself, so quit whining! It's hard to come to terms both with my illness and with my feelings because they are both invisible, so I find myself questioning their legitimacy and I struggle with how to assess and address my needs. 

I found a great quiz "The Coping with Chronic Illness Self-Care Quiz" by Pauline A. Salvucci (find the whole quiz here at: http://www.healingwell.com/library/health/salvucci2.asp). She asks questions such as: Do you follow your doctor's treatment plan? Do you more than accept or deny your illness? Have you made changes to your self-care since your diagnosis? As I answered these questions for myself, I realize that I am still grappling with what my illness means because I am completely unclear how this illness will manifest. 

In the meantime, I am not coping as well as I could be. Instead, I am vacillating wildly between scrambling to shore myself up against future possibilities and denial because I am not currently experiencing any symptoms. Perhaps even more importantly, though, is that I feel like I have been left completely to my own devices to come up with a comprehensive treatment plan and to sort through the overwhelming information and claims of "cures". So, I have been casting about wildly, but without a clear vision or understanding of my plan. What I decide on Monday, I completely abandon by Wednesday. I need a clearer way of thinking through and creating a plan for wellness--I need to write down guidelines for myself and make a commitment to it. 

Interestingly, and perplexing, I think my brain is short-circuiting partially because nothing I do will "cure" my condition. In the face of the incurable, it has been easy to throw up my hands and think, what's the use of getting enough sleep or eating well, how much can it really do, anyway? Irrational, but true!

This is all still so new; it's only been four months since I have received a definitive diagnosis. This knowledge gives me some patience and compassion and the answers to my quiz give me a place to start coming to better terms with this illness in such a way that addresses comprehensive wellness. And, it begins by writing down a plan.