Reflections on My Year Anniversary of My First MS Episode

i found god inside myself / and i loved her / i loved her fiercely - Ntozake Shange

This is my year anniversary of my first episode (and, if we're counting, my almost half-year anniversary of my diagnosis). I have been reviewing the year and I realize,  I have emerged from a storm. When this all began, I truly doubted that I could get through this without a partner, without "my person". I have most certainly yearned, ached even, for my person who would hold me as I cried and hand me tissues during the many, many tough moments that this year has held. Yet, here I am. Still standing. Still standing! It seems miraculous, really. 

As in any storm, there has certainly been wreckage. I lost one of my dearest, closest friends this year; our ten year friendship broke down and we broke up. I was stunned by our falling out and so saddened by this loss. Even though I have many other wonderful friendships, I am so clear on the fact that she (nor anyone else) is not replaceable. So, that loss is a sadness I very much carry with me.

At the same time, the blessings I have felt this year has been through all of my friends who have stepped up and stepped forward to be there for me even as they faced their own most difficult and challenging times. I been so lucky, so truly blessed to have thoughtful, courageous, creative, kind friends. I have been given such tender gifts through their presence in my life. Then, too, there have been several new friendships that brought lightness, laughter, and play into my life. Such sweetness! I am a lucky woman. 

Moreover, as I look back, I am surprised to to have discovered such strength inside myself. I stepped up for myself and showed myself that I am one of my own best friends and allies. Fiercely devoted and protective. So, at the end of the year, these are all the things I want to hold on to. How much I have. How blessed I am.