Part 1: Being "Here" 

I never thought I'd be here. When I made the decision to move from Philadelphia to earn first my M.A. degree and then my Ph.D., I had made a bargain with myself. In exchange, for marooning myself in this small, predominately white, party-college-town, four hours north and four hours south from the nearest city or urban area, I would move back to Philadelphia as soon as I finished my comprehensive exams and write my dissertation from there. For a few years, I would trade the Philadelphia heat, the packed city streets, the glorious crowns of  "sun hair" (natural hair, twisted and forming a crown) and all of my favorite spots including Broad Street, Fairmount Park, and Giovanni's Room for an opportunity to study African American literature. Since I would receive Philadelphia back in the trade, it seemed like a risk worth taking. From the get go, I  conceptualized "my real life" as back in Philadelphia. Certainly, graduate school was a major stop, but it was also a detour; I couldn't wait to get back to the urban hub and my "real life".  In the meantime, my partner and I would have a long-distance relationship and since I would travel back and forth between my new town and Philadelphia, I would "go home" regularly.  

Fast forward several years: I finished my M.A., finished my Ph.D. coursework, created my comprehensive exam book list, and started to study for my comprehensive exams...

However, a few months before I took my comprehensive exams, my partner and I broke up and 

suddenly I was forced to rethink my path, and my course. Unfortunately, this loss was followed by another major relationship loss, a falling out with a family member, and then this stunning possibility about my health. 

I find myself still "here." Here, in this city. Here, still working on Chapter 1 and not having made much progress since I started.  Here,  feeling the disappointment, bitterness, and grief of the loss of my partner and the major family relationship. Here, feeling frustrated, out of synch, and emotionally distant from my dissertation. 

Now, I am at a critical juncture. I am very fortunate to have gotten my funding extended for an additional year, so finishing my dissertation within this school year is paramount unless I want to face a host of unpleasant consequences including loss of health care, uncertain job prospects and general misery. Or, I could decide now, to re-chart my course entirely and decide not to earn my Ph.D. after all. Not going forward with my Ph.D. is a choice that I don't even want to consider: It fills me with terror. Yet, I also am recognizing the importance of really choosing, or, I believe, I will continue to remain as incredibly mired and stuck as I have been. I need to at least consider not finishing, so I can reaffirm my real reasons for finishing. And, that, is the paradox of graduate school ... and life.  

(To be continued...)